Thirty years…. thirty years since He was born, almost thirty years since he died. Same year but different, not quite, 2 years short. His father died in 94, he was born in 93. August to December 25….or December 25 to August. Doesn’t matter much now the long or short of it cause at the time he was conceived I did not know what was to happen and how He would be a blessing… the remanent, the legacy God would leave as he does sometimes. Yes my grandson, the son of my deceased son turned 30 and I was granted the opportunity to pray the blessing of Abraham over him, a 30 year old Christian, college educated, married, Christian wife, business man and father, and his children. By the way are 3, two boys, and a fisty little girl. His children, and his children children…..Beauty for ashes!

Not surprised God will turn the ashes into beauty…..hang in there, trust Him who is faithful and never fails, even when situations, people, the cares of life seem to….the ashes!

Anger….the emotion that we don’t want to talk about…especially when we are grieving. It is taboo, not acceptable so they say…so we fight it, we hide it, we try to snuff it out but it is an emotion that we have. Believe me snuffing does not work it comes out. It is an emotion that we experience, it is an emotion that we must recognize but in grief it is an emotion that we tend to try to hide, it is unpleasant, we have it, we know it, and what are we to do with it? In my grief of the passing…the loss of my son it came. I did not ask it to, I would have never invited but it was there in my heart. Angry because it happened, angry about why it happen, angry little did I realize for a time at who did it. … angry because it happened to me! In my situation it was difficult to admit the anger…why?… glad you asked. You see my husband was the cause, it was at his hands the gun discharged that turned our world upside down. It was not that they were at war with each other..things happened. The other reason was that I am and was a “Christian” loved and love Jesus, my son had confessed a hope in Christ. That thought of what we hear “He is with the Lord”, “He is in Heaven” , “You will see him again” was a distant reality even though I tried to comfort my self with those words..even said it myself! It was just words somehow and little did I know anger was living in me!

So I ask myself why? What was really anger about? Why was I angry? Even today that is a hard answer. I know that anger can be destructive to the person who is experiencing it and those around them…but I was still angry. Anger was like a poison robbing me from accepting what was versus what should or what I wanted. It was keep me from moving forward toward joy….can cause me to be stuck. For those around me, my co workers, they saw and felt it. It was robbing me spiritually and personally. No one asked my permission to take him away and now that he was gone I did not like it. I was his mom and I was suppose to outlive him, see him with his family and his future..it was gone and I was not in control! It went against my hope, dreams, my love was gone just like that my son, and nothing else mattered but….. What I would find out latter is that anger was destroying things and being angry would not change anything. Once I got to that place, the place when I acknowledged that I was angry, I could move through it to peace and joy. I could accept the fact that God had allowed it, and he loved me and would see me though! I still can’t tell you why my son had to die..O yeah I asked, but I came to realize that there is no answer that would change anything, that would make it ok…he would still be dead….I would still be in pain…and at that time angry about it.

God sent a Nathan to tell me that I was angry. Sounds strange but everyone knew I was angry but me! Once I saw anger I was able to admit, and wanted to begin a journey from anger to acceptance I could move forward. I said saw anger hope you get that. I had to see it from the view of Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, acceptance for me did not mean I was not still missing him or hurting but anger was not in control of me. I started to live and not live in anger. For me it was through crying out to the Lord, and asking him to help me be what he created be to be in this, a dear friend who would listen, a group of other mothers who where on the journey with me in my grief group and in time God worked in my heart and healed me from anger.

So maybe you are reading this and are angry because of what has happened. I can’t take it away, but I know who can and will, trust him, Jesus. BE real (he knows already) but requires us to confess. Get a support system someone that you can be real with, but will be a Nathan for you. God will work it out in time. Take the taboo out of the anger accept that that is where you are and chose to move toward acceptance. Remember acceptance is not forgetting nor does it take away the missing that we have. Final thought, it is normal to be angry because of what has happened, but it should not be our identity. You can look at anger and move from it toward peace and joy!

Some days this journey is like climbing stairs… been moving forward, upward at a steady pace..moving ahead toward peace, joy…his joy and peace..even experiencing it in waves but today it is like I am out of breath. Like climbing one flight and now I am tired, worn, the memory, the pain is there, the fact that he/she/they are gone. So what do I do…rest, take a break, can’t move today upward toward the goal..the joy, the peace..so I just breathe, feel, lean into it for today. Just like with the stairs, I will get my breath back, my strength from him, Jesus! This day he is holding me carrying me, tomorrow I will step, move forward, upward, and I am not alone so…on those days, I fret not but rest, and breathe and gain strength, from Him to continue till I reach the place of joy. The joy that he gives not of myself!

I find myself in an unusual state this year. I am between sadness and joy. I don’t recall being there in a very long time. I ask myself why? Why are these two seemingly co existing in this holiday? I find myself remembering and missing, while remembering and feeling the joy of the memories. Memories of my son, my mom and dad, and my sister. Wanting to see them, experience time with them. In the remembering also a wondering when will it be me or when will my children go through the holiday without me. Kinda morbid…. So, I start to read Luke…Lukes account of the Birth of Jesus, his account of Elizabeth and Zachariah…and I am reminded, reminded of why I have joy! Joy even in the middle of the sadness. This year I am staying with my eldest son, his biological mom passed away..transitioned last year. This is his first year at Christmas without her in many years. I pray that my being here is bringing him joy in his sadness. Today is actually his birthday…he hides his feelings, has always, he and my next to the oldest daughter are good at it. I won’t inquire, I will just be here…hoping that he has some joy in this day. God granted him two moms who loved him very much, two moms who did not have to compete with each other but cared deeply for him and were friends. So I miss her, knowing what we did together.

So back to the top….maybe today you are experiencing pain, a mixture of pain, sadness and joy….. Read Luke Chapter 1-2 and reflect on the wonderful Savior that God loved us so that he gave for us..that everyone that believes in him has eternal life ( John 3:16). He, as my pastor said Sunday, recovered us and covered us…and because of that, I have joy, even in the middle of the sadness. There will be a reunion…one day!

It has come again….today…Thanksgiving….the Holiday. Maybe it is your first, second… and you want to be. You want to be thankful, you want to feel the “Happy” in the Thanksgiving but you are not there. Don’t despair, keep moving as forward as you can, a day at a time, a step at at time and one day Joy will be there. Until then may “Peace” embrace you. The peace that comes from our Father, the who will guard your heart and mind….the peace that goes beyond the hurt, the pain of Today!

April 20, 2021 … 27 years this December. I pray that if this is your first day to these thoughts, that you will go back to the beginning, and that in doing that you will find comfort in the sharing that I have done up till now. I was prompted to reach out to one of the mothers that is also a friend that is new to this journey. It was just a quick text. A human effort to let her know that she is thought about, cared about and prayed for. In grief, on one level we may know this but, I remember the days after the lying to rest, after the funeral, when there are fewer distractions…in a way but more of the reality of what has to be done…what I wanted to do… Today, I thought, as I looked back on my grief and God’s word when it says that as Christians, we grieve with hope, I had something I wanted to share. In the early days, the dark times, it was the hope that kept me sane. Hope is one of those things that is hard to define but when you can live in it the benefits are more that we can do for ourselves. It is centered on expectation. The hope in Christ..birth, death and resurrection and the gift we are given when we believe! We recently celebrated his death and resurrection. If we were to look in scripture, we would be able to chronical the 40 days after, the actions of our Savior, manifestation of the Holy Spirit to us. So what does this have to do with where I was or where you may be now? Fulfillment of God’s word to us. Hope for this not being final… the fact that it is hard, painful, takes time yes but not final. I do know that it was the hope, the believe that this is not and was not the final say for my son. Yes in a way his life ended here in my reality but not in what is and what will come. God in his love for me had allowed me to have a conversation with my son before his death that confirmed what he had been taught as true when it come to Jesus. Everything in me did not want him to leave this earth and was in a deep pain yearning for his presence but, Hope! In his book Paul Enns” Heaven Revealed” gives a clear scriptural picture of heaven. I did not have that then, but I did have and had to hold on to the fact that I would see my son again…because of the hope that we are given. There were days that I had to literally picture him with Christ…there were days when I had to picture myself in the arms of Christ. Those days when I did not want to go forward, to do anything, numb yet in pain. It was hope that kept me. It was the expectation and determination that I would live and not be defeated. I had to purpose it, intentionally focus on the word of God. The word did what it does.

Maybe you are reading this today and you are in that ball of grief. You grief is normal and natural. Without love there is no grief. It was said by one of the mentors “It is the price we pay for loving someone.” As you go through, I pray that you will remember hope. Expectation that it will not “feel this way forever”, “one day I will have joy in my life, “one day I will see him/her again”…. Remember that we have been given a gift and in that gift this life does not have the final say. An old rugged cross, and a willing son gave us so much, and if you can intentionally hold on to that thought, hope is there…and in time you can expect Joy to show up because it is on the other side. “But if we hope for that we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently”. Romans 8:25…hold on it will come!

I have a cousin that was recently hospitalized with a severe infection…flesh eating bacteria. He was giving praise and thanks to the staff at the hospital and to Jesus for keeping him. In our conversation, he went on to tell me a story about his older sister in that when they were younger and he did not feel well, she would get a cool towel put it on his forehead and how it made him feel so much better. He thanked me for our conversation and how it had been a “cool towel”. Little did he know that he had encouraged me more than I, him. He never had any complaint about what was happening to him. He is still facing allot of treatment, and I know pain but he was so grateful. After the call, the Holy Spirit gave me a visual first, of my two cousin’s big sis, little brother. How what she had done, gave him what no medicine no doctor could. Then I thought about our big brother, my savior Jesus. How he comes in and provides for us in our time of need what no other can do. I got a visual of him and the comfort and love that he provides. My hope is that as you read this you will receive what only He can give. Love that called him to earth to die for us…salvation. Comfort in your mourning…his word tells us that blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. To grieve, but not without hope (wow that is another good one for another day). His word tells us that he is with us always, even till the end of time. His word tells us that he is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Today, despite your hurt, your pain, your anger, will you look to the hills from where your help is? Will you lie down in your mind where you are, imagine in your heart, see him, and receive the “cool towel” that only He can give?

A dear friend who is like a sister has had the unfortunate experience of the death of a child. My hope that in reading this you may find comfort. You asked a question last night that I do not have an answer to. When will the nightmare end? What I do know for me, I had to choose to keep depending on God and his word, each day to live and not be defeated, and to be whole again. As I did over time, it happened. Even when it seemed that it wouldn’t, slowly but surely things moved forward,  it did. It was not as bad at the end of the first year but was not over. In different ways, the 2nd year was better, in others harder. No need to fear because all that you are experiencing is normal. The devil wants you to think this is your new life, he is a liar. All the confusion, lack of concentration, etc…NORMAL! That may be troubling but it is. You see ____, I am a nurse, I had dealt with death in ways others haven’t so I thought I was going to do the same with my son. I was also the fixer, the decision maker..the “strong” one….but this one was out of my control. I had to determine, choose, to get through, …trust and believe , literally eat God’s word, but in doing so He showed me things about myself, life and him that otherwise I would have never known. Do I wish that it could have been done another way, yes. But that was not God’s plan. Every since the original sin death has been a reality. For reason unknown to me, God allows a when and a how for all of us. Some longer than others. He does not see death like we do because he is, and knows eternity. He let me know early on one day in my despair, and why that he did not wake up and discover Reggie was dead, he already knew before I conceived him the day! If I could accept that fact and that even though,  he loved me and would see me through. He took me to Ecclesiates 3:1. I think that once my heart accepted this my road got easier. Note, I said easier. Remember my son laid dead at the hands of my husband. My first born. It was me and him before me and them. If God could get me through, my children…all I know is he will you too. Timeframe is in his hands…but in his love.  He is the same yesterday today and forevermore. He has a word specifically for you. Keep listening, read, and “eating” it and he will show you and carry you through. I know this is long but one last story. One day I was drowning low, but that night God allowed sleep. During that night whether my son or an angel, I felt a touch, and it let me know audibly my son was ok. I say it was my son because that is what I felt..but most of all it was the comfort of God. Trust Him and choose to when it does not seem u can..do the next right thing.

The days when the grief is for like of a better word, seems to be drowning you. In the beginning it is so consuming. It affects body, mind, and spirit. How can I get through, do I even want to, Can I even try feeling…paralyzed in pain. It has taken over your thoughts, concentration, your very being. You don’t want it too, but you can’t control this one. It won’t go into that place where you usually put your hurts, disappointments and pain. It has a “mind” of its own and you have no say! It is a feeling of helplessness, a hurt and a pain that is all too consuming. How can I, feels like I am drowning. I am reminded of what I have heard in my GriefShare group, lean into it. I have lived in California recently and when you go to the ocean, the waves are sometimes few and subtle,, other times they are harsh and huge. On the days that they are subtle and small, you experience them with not much trouble. When the ocean is rough the waves come with a constant pace, they are high and rough and if you are not careful you can drown. Early on those first days, months even that first years, I had allot of days where I just felt like I was drowning. The waves were rough and stirred up with hurt, pain, regret, why me?. It was to be expected, it was “normal”, but the experience of it was suffocating….much like drowning. The question became ” How do I keep my head above the wave…keep functioning, or how do I survive because it has taken over me and I am dying on the inside, do I give in…or? My children were hurting, my husband even more. You see it was at his hands my son’s live had ended. It took me learning to “ride” the waves, some days, allowing the waves to overtake me somedays. Somedays, I had to look straight at it, lean into it and ride it. That meant just acknowledging within myself and sometimes to others where I was emotionally while being intentional in moving… doing the next “right” thing. Other days it meant allowing it to overtake me of sorts, to just experience it and what I was feeling…not waddling, not even “dog pedaling” but being honest that if was bigger than me. In that, I had the sincere belief but not bigger than my God! A sincere cry that He was the only one who could keep me and expecting Him to do just that! On the night my son lay in the balance between life and death the word of God come to me. It was not the word one would expect in this situation but it turned our to be the word that would change my view. I mention this now but will share thoughts on what it meant for me in my journey later. The word was found in Romans 8:28.

In Psalms 121, I was reminded as recent as today, that He that keeps us neither slumbers or sleeps. A surfer, I am told knows how to ride the wave, but when it overtakes them how to ride in the wave. There would be many days that I would ride on and ride in but, the “keeper” and creator of it all, kept me until I made it to the other side. The side where His joy resides. The Joy which is just on piece of the “fruit” that he gives to us, even in the journey of Grief.