The days when the grief is for like of a better word, seems to be drowning you. In the beginning it is so consuming. It affects body, mind, and spirit. How can I get through, do I even want to, Can I even try feeling…paralyzed in pain. It has taken over your thoughts, concentration, your very being. You don’t want it too, but you can’t control this one. It won’t go into that place where you usually put your hurts, disappointments and pain. It has a “mind” of its own and you have no say! It is a feeling of helplessness, a hurt and a pain that is all too consuming. How can I, feels like I am drowning. I am reminded of what I have heard in my GriefShare group, lean into it. I have lived in California recently and when you go to the ocean, the waves are sometimes few and subtle,, other times they are harsh and huge. On the days that they are subtle and small, you experience them with not much trouble. When the ocean is rough the waves come with a constant pace, they are high and rough and if you are not careful you can drown. Early on those first days, months even that first years, I had allot of days where I just felt like I was drowning. The waves were rough and stirred up with hurt, pain, regret, why me?. It was to be expected, it was “normal”, but the experience of it was suffocating….much like drowning. The question became ” How do I keep my head above the wave…keep functioning, or how do I survive because it has taken over me and I am dying on the inside, do I give in…or? My children were hurting, my husband even more. You see it was at his hands my son’s live had ended. It took me learning to “ride” the waves, some days, allowing the waves to overtake me somedays. Somedays, I had to look straight at it, lean into it and ride it. That meant just acknowledging within myself and sometimes to others where I was emotionally while being intentional in moving… doing the next “right” thing. Other days it meant allowing it to overtake me of sorts, to just experience it and what I was feeling…not waddling, not even “dog pedaling” but being honest that if was bigger than me. In that, I had the sincere belief but not bigger than my God! A sincere cry that He was the only one who could keep me and expecting Him to do just that! On the night my son lay in the balance between life and death the word of God come to me. It was not the word one would expect in this situation but it turned our to be the word that would change my view. I mention this now but will share thoughts on what it meant for me in my journey later. The word was found in Romans 8:28.

In Psalms 121, I was reminded as recent as today, that He that keeps us neither slumbers or sleeps. A surfer, I am told knows how to ride the wave, but when it overtakes them how to ride in the wave. There would be many days that I would ride on and ride in but, the “keeper” and creator of it all, kept me until I made it to the other side. The side where His joy resides. The Joy which is just on piece of the “fruit” that he gives to us, even in the journey of Grief.

It has been a while since I last wrote. I have had many thoughts about “New Year”. For many of mothers out there…there is no new. The pain of the time has not transitioned to “New”. The if only’s, this time last year, if I coulda wouldas.., anger, how could or would this happen…the bundle of hurt, confusion is ever present…but life somehow is going on. You may see it going around you, others may seem to not stop, not understand or even care. Some of you may be wives, some mothers of other children, working, stay at home, I could go on and on. What can I do or say to you…really nothing to make any or all of what you may be experiencing now go away. I can tell you it will but, that is not your reality now. I can assure that there is some one who will never leave you or forsake you..,even if the enemy of your mind is saying otherwise. He is our precious Savior, Jesus. So, lean into your pain, but as you do, if you can, fine strength to reach out to him with all of it. Imagine yourself placing it in His hands, and you in His arms! If you don’t already know Him, that is ok too, just ask him to come…He is so loving that He will. Continue to do the next thing you can, one inch, one step at at time. Feel what you feel and know as you move…..one, one year in the future and I do not put a time on it, I know Joy is there. Choose it even now when you can’t even conceive it as possible, and it is a fruit that He gives in your season!

The old year is gone, the holidays are over…now we are left with today. Today you may be wishing the hurt and pain would be gone, or today you may be saying this is a good day. Whatever your today is in this “New Year” but not new in your journey, joy lies in staying intentional and determined that tomorrow is coming and you will on one of those tomorrows experience joy. Until then may the “peace of God” guard your heart and protect your mind!

It has been a while since my last post. Christmas is three days away. I woke up after a morning of prayer with my sisters, I thought what is it for me to say, to share. I thought about the “Christmas Star” that has been focused on, and how in this time of darkness for some it has become a symbol of light. A reminder of that “Star” the star that led the Magi to the “Light of the world”, and for those moms who may be in a dark place this time of the year and not just during “Christmas”, He is still that same light. If I could reach back to that Christmas when it was dark and full of pain, I did not know about the joy that awaited on the other side. I remember thinking this time last year her was…..and the was was endless, and the pain was heavy but, I can say now was. So, you may not be at the was so what do I say? Getting to the was… the other side lies in taking the journey. Leaning into the hurt and pain while going toward the was. Kinda like lying on a wave in the ocean. You experience the turmoil of the waves, the calm when it comes but you do not drown! My support was in the knowledge that I could not do it (not only that, I did not want to), but I had holding me up a savior, a light of sort, that in the darkness and all of the gut wrenching pain, the mind ponder he would. It had to be, and I had to make it “intentional” because in my strength it would have been easier to let go… to let the grief drown me. For me Christmas not was and is my hope. I heard the other day that the reason for the season came with result. The result is that death is defeated, suffering is defeated because of Him! Eternity waits all of us. Even though I miss him still on this side, I know I will one day see him because “Christmas.” I want to encourage you today as you take your journey which will be unique to you just as mine was to me….Joy will come! “Unto us this day is born a savior which is Christ the Lord” Luke 2:11. Coming ” Keeping afloat when it seems like I am drowning.”

The day has come and gone this year but that year, that first year was darkness and fog. The pain of it, the thought of it was still so present. Thank God for Trish our, counselor, The Warm place, and I don’t have his permission to share so I will say Dr. J. These would be the human representatives that God would place in our lives..also His (God’s) word.

Early on, I thought that I would be able to put a timeframe on this pain, this darkness. After all, I was a nurse, I know how to handle “emotions”, put them in that place that I had so many times before…but this would not go there. This would be one day one time that I had to do time and time again..as Trish had laid the thought, the vision to imagine myself in the arms of Jesus, and Him holding and taking care of me. I had bold proclaimed When Dr. J informed us that this type of grief takes years to find its place, and what the consequences of this could be for my children, I am not doing this for years nor will my family be destroyed. But on this Thanksgiving, the 1st less than a year later I was still…

Ask me about that first Thanksgiving…. we made it through, and it is still a blur. I cannot recall how and even in my journaling, I did not record. I do know by this time, I was no longer awaken every morning at that time.. the time when for me it was final. The time for me that the world stood still…he was after organ donation declared deceased! I say awaken with a sense of accomplishment because before awaken came, there was the sleeplessness!….Now that is another story for another time!

So for those of you reading this I pray that even though what I have written seems hopeless, I hope that you will if you are in that blur, that pain, I say to you hang in Joy does come! zerotohero

It was what at times seem like a long time ago. The first… the first holiday and the worst. December 25, 1994 something happened in my home that would be the worst thing. My 22 year old son had after being declared brain dead, at 3:46 am Christmas day, had become an organ donor. The hardest thing I ever had to do is to keep living after the death of my son. This would be the first of many first….. little did I know, or could ever think that joy could ever lie on the other side! So this year, the “holidays” are here and I, a mother, am called to provide this space, this time, this for other mothers who may or may not be where I am. Not to counsel or to direct just to be…be supported and feel safe in sharing. Today I look back to reach out to each of you! The hope being that though this others may find themselves on the other side where joy lives. It is a journey……