Anger….the emotion that we don’t want to talk about…especially when we are grieving. It is taboo, not acceptable so they say…so we fight it, we hide it, we try to snuff it out but it is an emotion that we have. Believe me snuffing does not work it comes out. It is an emotion that we experience, it is an emotion that we must recognize but in grief it is an emotion that we tend to try to hide, it is unpleasant, we have it, we know it, and what are we to do with it? In my grief of the passing…the loss of my son it came. I did not ask it to, I would have never invited but it was there in my heart. Angry because it happened, angry about why it happen, angry little did I realize for a time at who did it. … angry because it happened to me! In my situation it was difficult to admit the anger…why?… glad you asked. You see my husband was the cause, it was at his hands the gun discharged that turned our world upside down. It was not that they were at war with each other..things happened. The other reason was that I am and was a “Christian” loved and love Jesus, my son had confessed a hope in Christ. That thought of what we hear “He is with the Lord”, “He is in Heaven” , “You will see him again” was a distant reality even though I tried to comfort my self with those words..even said it myself! It was just words somehow and little did I know anger was living in me!
So I ask myself why? What was really anger about? Why was I angry? Even today that is a hard answer. I know that anger can be destructive to the person who is experiencing it and those around them…but I was still angry. Anger was like a poison robbing me from accepting what was versus what should or what I wanted. It was keep me from moving forward toward joy….can cause me to be stuck. For those around me, my co workers, they saw and felt it. It was robbing me spiritually and personally. No one asked my permission to take him away and now that he was gone I did not like it. I was his mom and I was suppose to outlive him, see him with his family and his future..it was gone and I was not in control! It went against my hope, dreams, my love was gone just like that my son, and nothing else mattered but….. What I would find out latter is that anger was destroying things and being angry would not change anything. Once I got to that place, the place when I acknowledged that I was angry, I could move through it to peace and joy. I could accept the fact that God had allowed it, and he loved me and would see me though! I still can’t tell you why my son had to die..O yeah I asked, but I came to realize that there is no answer that would change anything, that would make it ok…he would still be dead….I would still be in pain…and at that time angry about it.
God sent a Nathan to tell me that I was angry. Sounds strange but everyone knew I was angry but me! Once I saw anger I was able to admit, and wanted to begin a journey from anger to acceptance I could move forward. I said saw anger hope you get that. I had to see it from the view of Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, acceptance for me did not mean I was not still missing him or hurting but anger was not in control of me. I started to live and not live in anger. For me it was through crying out to the Lord, and asking him to help me be what he created be to be in this, a dear friend who would listen, a group of other mothers who where on the journey with me in my grief group and in time God worked in my heart and healed me from anger.
So maybe you are reading this and are angry because of what has happened. I can’t take it away, but I know who can and will, trust him, Jesus. BE real (he knows already) but requires us to confess. Get a support system someone that you can be real with, but will be a Nathan for you. God will work it out in time. Take the taboo out of the anger accept that that is where you are and chose to move toward acceptance. Remember acceptance is not forgetting nor does it take away the missing that we have. Final thought, it is normal to be angry because of what has happened, but it should not be our identity. You can look at anger and move from it toward peace and joy!
Restore'N Joy 